“Each lifetime consists of pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. For some, there are more pieces. For others, the puzzle is more difficult to assemble.
But know this: you do not have within yourself all the pieces to your puzzle. Everyone carries with them at least one and probably many pieces to someone else’s puzzle. Sometimes they know it; sometimes they don’t know it.
And when you present a piece, which is worthless to you, to another, whether you know it or not, whether they know it or not, you are a messenger from the Most High.”
– Harold Kushner, American rabbi, Living a Life That Matters.
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Relationships are the essence of being human. Seeing them from the perspective of service – of what we have to offer, and what we are willing to receive, opens pathways for profound growth and deep meaning during our short time here on earth.
We might think this opportunity for service would most often take place with those we are closest to and connected to. Not so. By broadening our view to consider how we give and receive puzzle pieces, all interactions become our opportunity. This can include complete strangers, adversaries, nature, and even ourselves.
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I recall a time when I observed a two-year-old throwing a tantrum at a store in the mall. She wanted a small stuffed animal. Her mom told her no. The girl kept nagging. Mom kept shopping.
From a mile away, you could see what would come next. The toddler went into full meltdown mode – first screaming, then lying flat on her back – making a snow-angel with her arms and legs.
We parents have been there before. We just want the scene to stop, our kids to behave, and the judgmental looks from others to go away.
As the mother started to raise her voice and take hold of her daughter’s arm, she stopped abruptly, a bit tenderly. She pulled her daughter in close for a hug and asked her what color stuffie she wanted – telling her it would be important to know, for their next trip back to the store.
I wasn’t sure if the mom typically responded in this fashion, or if she decided to take a new approach this time. By the way she seemed to change course in the moment, I think it was the latter. I’ll never know.
What I do know is that as a father of twin daughters about the same age, the mother, a complete stranger, gave me a piece to my parenting puzzle that day – by responding with love and gentleness vs. reacting with anger and discipline - more typical of my approach up until then.
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At the end of a performance review during the middling years of corporate employment, I asked my boss Kathy if she had any constructive feedback for me.
She thought to herself, for what seemed like a full minute, and said, “James, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. You’re too nice. You should try and piss people off more.”
Huh?
Really? I thought to myself.
She went on, “I don’t think you’ll actually be able to piss people off, even if you try. But by trying, you’ll be more direct – telling people what they need to hear without worrying about how they’ll take it. You’ll feel complete, you’ll feel better about yourself, and they’ll respect you for it.”
The puzzle piece Kathy offered that day in a Hewlett Packard conference room – the piece of “candor” - most likely had come my way before – only I hadn’t heard it. Or I wasn’t capable of hearing it. Or I hadn’t wanted to hear it. After all, I’d spent my life trying to please people and not make waves.
This time I heard it. And got it. Kathy’s words without worrying about how they’ll take it resonated deeply. By not expressing what was true for me, and worrying about someone else’s response, I wasn’t acting with full integrity.
Thanks to Kathy, this important, yet elusive piece to the puzzle of me, slipped snugly into place.
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We can even be the source of critical puzzle pieces for ourselves.
Suzanne, a close friend in her seventies retired from running a retreat center outside of Seattle. For decades she started her day manicuring the lovely grounds – pruning shrubs and hand-watering plants, before assuming her executive duties inside the center.
A few weeks after her last day on the job, she unexpectedly began suffering anxiety attacks. She had no prior history. Medical tests revealed nothing.
After a few months of soul-searching and introspection she discovered the source of her angst was the absence of being with nature – of tending to the living greenery every morning.
She returned to the retreat center as a volunteer groundskeeper, reestablished her morning routine, and the attacks went away.
A puzzle piece from within, in the form of anxiety, directed Suzanne back into nature, so that she in turn could offer a puzzle piece of loving care to the hostas and hydrangeas.
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Even in the unlikeliest of places, and sometimes in the unlikeliest of carriers, Kushner’s messengers from the “Most High” are either right in front of us, or nearby - serving up precisely what we need to further our growth.
There is a Tibetan saying that adversaries offer some of our best opportunities for learning.
The Dalai Lama tells a story about Lopan-la, a friend and monk who was captured when China occupied Tibet in the 1950’s. Lopan-la was sentenced to hard labor in prison for eighteen years. He was tortured regularly.
After Lopan-la’s release, he returned to India and had the opportunity to reconnect with the Dalai Lama. He told of harrowing conditions – especially the cold. When he spit, it would become ice before hitting the ground. He went without shoes and his toes regularly suffered frostbite. He went without food for such long stretches one time he tried to eat the dead body of a fellow monk, but the flesh was too hard to bite.
When Lopan-la was released, only 20 of the 130 prisoners had survived.
As he recounted his almost two decades of torture and all the dangers he faced, Lopan-la told the Dalai Lama that the biggest danger of all was not losing his fellow monks, or losing a limb, or losing his own life.
He said his biggest danger of all was, “losing his compassion for his Chinese guards.”
For Lopan-la his greatest threat was losing his humanity - his loving-kindness toward all human beings. His heart.
No matter where we are, what is in front of us, or what difficulties we are passing through, there is always a puzzle piece to be received. We have to be willing to look for it, and listen for it – even in the form of a torturous guard, even in a prison camp.
Equally important is that there is always a puzzle piece for us to offer. We have to be willing to share it - by way of our words and by way of our actions.
Every day, as Lopan-la practiced loving-kindness in the face of his circumstances, perhaps his beautiful puzzle piece of compassion found its way into the Chinese guards, even if unknowingly, even if only in a small way.
Let us hope so.
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For Further Exploration…
Living a Life that Matters, Harold Kushner
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Doug Abrams
And this piece fits right into my puzzle. :)